IUI #1 = Apparent Failure

DAMN IT!!!!! DAMN IT!!!!! DAMN IT!!!!!

Tomorrow morning I'm supposed to go for bloodwork to see if IUI #1 worked. Early in the morning. By early, I mean between 6:30 a.m. and 8:00 a.m., to a town fifteen miles away. Which means me (NOT a morning person) needs to be up and moving at like 5:30 a.m. to get everyone else where they need to be. And, thanks to the surprise awaiting me in the ladies' room just now, it’s a futile trip. AF has arrived. My boobs weren’t tender because of pregnancy, they were sore because that’s what happens just before AF arrives. And the cramps are starting. So now I’m pissed that I have to get up and go in anyway. I may just call them and see if they can just run the bloodwork today.

Okay, that’s a big “NO”. Just got off the phone with one of the Center’s nurses, and I still have to go in tomorrow AND keep up the progesterone suppositories until they say I can stop. I had actually raised the question about taking July off and then cycling in August with one of the nurses when we first started the Follistim last month. Her response was “well, slow down, let’s hope this one takes and then you won’t need to worry about taking a month off”. She obviously hadn’t seen the black cloud hanging over my head when I walked into the Center for all those ultrasounds and bloodwork.

I’m pissed that it didn’t work. I’m pissed that I’m not pregnant. I’m scared that it did work, and I’m bleeding anyway, just like the very troubled pregnancy last year with our Little One started out. I’m scared that I am pregnant and that something is very wrong. I’m scared that I’m not pregnant and I won’t ever be again. I'm scared that I'll have the same problems with my lining being too thick and having to put off our next IUI; I mean, we had to wait three frigging cycles to get this IUI in. And if I’m not, somewhere there is a sense of slight relief that next month, while we’re camping two hundred miles away with a bunch of friends, I won’t be constantly wondering if the pregnancy is going well, if everything’s okay, or if my bad luck is holding, and it will be another lost child in our lives. This sucks!

We’re taking next month off, much to DH's dismay. Well, it's not that he's upset that we're taking a month off, it's that he was a little taken aback when I explained that I wanted to take July off, and then try two more times (if possible) in August and September. He thought it would just be two months in a row and then we were done with this whole chapter. And it might have been, if my frigging lining had cooperated!

As I said before, I’m not doing all this while I’m trying to enjoy one of the few weeks I get off to spend with my family. I just can’t do it, mentally or physically. Shooting up with hormones every night and the scheduling of everything just won’t work. On the bright side, I can now have a few margaritas or cosmos sitting on the beach, instead of trying to explain why I’m not drinking without giving away too much info; so far, this past month I’ve just said that we’re trying and I can’t drink with the medication I’m on, and that’s been said to only a few of the girls. And I won’t have to listen to the vast array of responses, ranging from “good for you, sweetie, we’re pulling for you” (thank you, thank you, thank you to those friends) to “what are you, nuts, you want a baby now at your age?!?” (for the record, I’ll be 40 in December, and yes, I want another child at my age. P.S. for those people: until you’ve walked in my shoes, shut the hell up! If I didn’t want another baby, I sure as hell wouldn’t be trying so hard, huh?!?).

So now, I wait until August to start the process for IUI #2...