"Would You Like Some Cheese with That Whine?"

Before my whining starts, happy positive vibes to Thalia, who should have already met POB today! Thalia, we’re all thinking of you!

I have a cold. I thought it was allergies, but yesterday afternoon it quickly became apparent that it was something more. There are few more annoying things than being sick when you’re pregnant. I can’t breathe, my nose is either running or plugged and putting pressure on my head, my throat is raw from coughing, the crap that has run down my throat overnight tends to make me sick to my stomach in the morning, and, best of the best, if I cough and have even a half-full bladder, well, let’s just say I’ve taken to wearing pantiliners.

I have been using Sudafed sparingly, saline spray constantly, and have finally had a Hall’s Cherry cough drop without having it make me sick to my stomach. That and lots of chicken soup. Not the real stuff either. When I’m sick, I want Lipton’s Chicken Noodle Soup, Irish tea with honey, and lots of Jello. For now, no tea or Jello, as anything sweet is tending to make me nauseous. One of the quirks of this pregnancy.

I may even give in and go home at lunchtime today. That, or stick it out and bang in sick tomorrow. I just hate using any of my sick time, as any saved time is what I have to use to be paid for my maternity leave. And I already need to leave early Monday for my Level II u/s, and the following week DH is having his remaining two wisdom teeth removed, so I need to take a day for that. I'll just state for the record that the US and most of its companies totally suck when it comes to maternity leave policies.

How's Your Stress Level?

I know from the other blogs I read and from talking to other moms who’ve had a successful pregnancy after a loss that you never have a worry-free pregnancy. So when my OB asked at my visit “So, how are you doing? How’s your stress level?”, I didn’t know whether to laugh, cry, or punch him. How’s my stress level? You really want to know?

Every time I wake up that I don’t have sore boobs, I have a moment of panic that something is wrong. The nausea still continues, and I somehow find it reassuring. I haven't felt movement yet, which is not unusual for me (I usually feel the baby around 18 weeks, but I'm older and everything is a little more stretched out). Particularly for the first twelve or thirteen weeks, I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, for something horrible to happen, for this pregnancy to end, just as the last two have.

I so strongly remember that the first night in the hospital when they were trying to start labor with Jimmy. I stood in the bathroom, naked, while my mother helped me into a fresh Johnny. I looked in the mirror at my boobs that were already deflated and the stomach that no longer showed any movement, turned to her, and said, “I don’t even look pregnant anymore. I don’t feel pregnant.” Twenty-one hours later, delivering my third son, who didn’t move, didn’t cry, who was already gone. Writing his obituary the next day, planning his graveside service, telling my mother that it was the only thing that I could do for this son that I would never get to mother in any other way.

A year later, hearing the voice of Dr. Grandpa tell me over the phone that the 7-week u/s didn’t look good, that my HcG wasn’t doubling, that the yolk sac was too big, and that this pregnancy probably would end soon (it went on for fifteen more days, a year to the day of Jimmy’s due date), and crying, asking myself why I was putting myself through this. Swearing that I wouldn’t do this again. Then the next year’s turmoil of secondary IF and the shots, the tests, the IUIs, having AF show up the day of my pregnancy test bloodwork. And now, being here.

So, how’s my stress level? I know very bad things can happen. For so many of us, it has. We don’t live in a vacuum like so many expectant moms. We've walked through the fire, the depths of despair, and come out the other side. I am one of the lucky ones; this is not my first child. This is my fifth pregnancy. I have two great kids at home. I have one son buried in our local cemetery in a plot that my father bought for us, where my husband and I will join him someday in the distant future. I have one child that I have only a few ultrasound pictures of. And every day that this pregnancy continues on, that I have an appointment where I can see this baby moving and get a blurry picture or hear it’s heartbeat, I am incredulous that it is happening, that I may actually bring this baby home.

Screening Results & Dr. Fav

First, mea culpa. Not that anyone seems to be reading this thing, but I still can't get my act together when it comes to keeping up with this blogging thing. I've had some great ideas for posts, but somehow always get waylaid.

I’m still in PregnancyLand. Stick-It’s still sticking. All-day nausea has subsided somewhat, but I still have my moments. This morning I couldn’t get to work until 11:00 a.m. I almost passed out twice, something that never happens to me. DH made me take my BP. It was 80/48, at which point he said he didn’t want me behind the wheel; I agreed, because I felt like crap. So the next two hours was spent lying down, trying to drink and eat something to get my metabolism and BP up. Finally it went up to 90/58, and now I’m at work.

First trimester screening results from the practice I was referred to came back, and were great. I have gone from a 1/70 chance of having a child with Down’s Syndrome to a 1/1380 chance; the genetics counselor noted that that is the same risk a 20-year-old would face. Same level of risk (same as a 20-year-old) for Trisomy 13 or 18 – from a 1/137 risk to 1/2721.

Then she asks the question: to amnio or not to amnio? Mind you, the only amnio I’ve ever had was with Jimmy. I know it had nothing to do with his choking on his cord, and at least we knew of all the things that he didn’t die of, but I’m also a person who analyzes numbers. The question I raised at the screening appointment was the 1/200 risk of miscarriage that the amnio carries, which the older OB at my practice had confirmed the week before. The genetics counselor corrected that. Due to their review of the latest studies from NY, which apparently has a similar population to the New England area, this high-risk practice (out of Mass General Hospital) now says amnios have a 1/600 risk of miscarriage. Still, that’s twice the risk as have a child with Down’s, and four times the risk of having a child with Trisomy 13 or 18.

So we’re opting to not do the amnio. I had the APF drawn Friday for the neural tube defects, and have my Level II u/s next Monday.

More reassuring was finally seeing “my” doctor in my OB practice. Dr. Fav is just a great guy. There are four doctors in this practice, along with some midwives (who I’ve never seen). Dr. Lady is my second pick in the office. Then there’s Dr. Grandpa, a man that my mom, an OB/GYN nurse, worked with for a few years two decades ago, before he and his two partners split and she went with one of the other partners. He’s nice, but a little too old-fashioned at times for me. I had to see Dr. Grandpa for my first appointment at 10 weeks and then again at 12 weeks (he couldn’t hear the heartbeat at 10 weeks, and wanted to see me at 12). Then the last partner, Dr. A-Hole, is the one who let me bleed for 8 weeks after my miscarriage before my D&C. He’s the one that I informed the intake OB nurse I would not see with this pregnancy. Actually, I said I wouldn’t let him within 20 feet of me, and that I still had friends and family who thought I should have sued him for dragging out my second loss with their office.

Now, you may ask why I would return to the same practice. Because when I asked my RE if there were anyone in the area that he would recommend for someone who finally got pregnant with his practice, he recommended Dr. Fav. When I posed my issues with Dr. A-Hole, he just told me that any woman who’s gone down the IF path has to be her own advocate when she does get pregnant, because most OB/GYN offices don’t handle pregnancies after losses well. And Dr. RE is a man I had and have great confidence in who was at one of the better Boston hospitals when it comes to high-risk pregnancies.

Anyway, Dr. Fav was on for my 16-week appointment; I’ve also got my 20- and 24-week set up with him. He greeted me, and did all the regular checks. Heartbeat was fine, my BP was fine, and I’ve only gained 9 pounds to date (pretty good for a “big” girl – I’m 5’7.5” (that 0.5 inch is SOOOO important!) and now weigh in at 207.5 pounds. Then he asked how I was, how much stress I was under (my response was “quite a bit at work”), and his plans. He wants me scanned every 3 weeks to check for fetal growth, fluid levels, and placenta health. He also wants to see me every 2 weeks, and in between doesn’t care if I’m in the office for heartbeat checks every day if that’s what I want. He also mentioned that his and my anxiety levels would be going up dramatically from about Week 24 until this child is delivered healthy and is safe in my arms. Sounds good to me, and it’s comforting to feel like I have someone watching out for me and Stick-It.

So, the next step is the Level II u/s. Hopefully, Stick-It will cooperate and we’ll find out what we’re having.