Bad Blogger!

Really! I suck at this! I have all these thoughts running around my head, and want to put them down on electronic paper, to get them out of my head where they're running around bumping into important scraps of thought, to let them form a cohesive line of thinking. Actually, I want it to look like the scenes from “Harry Potter” where Professor Dumbledore uses his Memoraball, freeing up mind space. And then the phone rings (because I do a lot of this at work, where no one is looking over my shoulder), or someone does come in and I don’t want them reading my most personal thoughts because none of them know I blog, or I actually need to get some work done. Well, today is the day I will update this blog, to at least bring it current. After all, it’s only been five (FIVE OH MY GOD I’M SO BAD AT THIS) months since I wrote.

The meeting with the RE went just as I thought. Intermittent bleeding, in his esteemed opinion, due to the coming-off-of-the-stomach-bruising hormone injections (no physical exam, in case you were wondering). And oh, by the way, when would you like to schedule an IVF cycle? I thought the poor man was going to fall off his chair when I told that we weren’t going down that road. Oh, and by the way, if I do want to, can you deal with the Black Hole that is your insurance office?!?! I relayed my issues with L. and S. to him, who promised to review the situation. I think he actually will too, as one of the partners has split off to start his own RE practice in the area and is in direct competition.

I am sort of in the middle on this whole thing. While part of me aches to be pregnant again and have another child, I know full well pregnant doesn’t equal healthy, trouble-free pregnancy and delivery. And my “clock” is ticking, so to speak; the Big 40 summit was reached in December. And is it fair to my 11yo and 7yo. They both have gone through so much already, their dad’s heart attack, their brother Jimmy being stillborn three months later, my miscarriage a year later just after we told them I was pregnant… to put them through another situation that could have tragic results is something I have to, as their mom, HAVE to consider. I’m on a tightrope, and I REALLY hate heights!

All the while, I’m SO pissed that DH is being such a scaredy-cat chicken-shit about the whole thing; he’s not even there to explain to the nice RE that HE has no desire to pursue this route. To Hell with what I want/feel/need. He’s made his decision, and I’m going to have to live with it. So I try to find the words, and finally do. “DH is really not willing to go down that road”, I tell the RE, “he has reservations”. God bless my RE, who looks me in the face and says, “and what about you?” I want to hug this man and cry at the same time. Ohhh, yeah, me. He offers up the tidbit that we can keep doing the IUIs if we want. I tell him we will probably take a break to review our options. He tells me to give him a call if we change our minds, and that if we’re trying on our own, he’ll still want to see me the minute I have a positive pregnancy test. So optimistic, he is!

So, over the last five months, some intermittent bleeding. Had my physical with a Pap in January. Everything was fine. Actually, not so fine. I had three cycles where my peak never registered on my fertility monitor, or happened so late in my cycle that there was no way a fertilized egg would have had time to implant before AF washed it away. Things have been more normal for the past two months, but still no preggers.

My self-imposed attic/house cleanout of all the baby gear has been postponed until mid-June. We’re vacationing in the land of the Mouse (Disney World) at the end of the month, and then my weekends are rather full until school’s over. That, and in New England, our spring has had the weirdest weather! I’m hoping June will at least be warm and I’ll have a decent weekend to have a yard sale, but it’s New England, so I guess I should expect snow!

Congratulations to many of the others out here in Blog World who have achieved the double line and are still going strong (Thalia, Barren Mare, UtRus, Watson). Condolences at the same time to many who have endured another loss (Julia, Jill). And for some whose paths have veered suddenly from getting pregnant to getting healthy (Lisa), my thoughts are with you.