Going It on My Own

Okay, for anyone who read my last post about us being done... well, let's just say that we're done going to the RE for now. We have tried as much medical assistance as is going to happen in my life (only going as far as IUIs), but I'm still going to try on my own and...

TMI WARNING!!!!: since DH doesn't seem to be in any rush to replenish his supply of birth control (i.e. no Trojan Mans in the bedside table) nor does he seem to be wanting to follow the celibacy route...

I'll just see where this takes us. I did buy more OPK sticks for my ClearBlue Fertility Monitor, and I'm about midcycle and starting to surge. I guess we'll see if Nature would like to lend a hand all on her own (or if enough hormones are still surging through my body). Not counting on anything, but won't close the door on the possibility.

4 for 4

That’s it. I haven’t had the heart to blog about this past IUI. Three weeks ago on Wednesday, we had the fourth IUI done. Great follicles, great lining, great sperm count, everything went great. Just like the other three times. And, of course, just like the other three times, the cramping started last week, three days before the scheduled bloodwork. Light staining on Columbus Day, and then, last Wednesday, the morning of the bloodwork to confirm a success, AF arrived full force.

We are done. DH knows I’m not happy about this. I must admit, I do have some sense of relief of getting off the monthly IUI hamster wheel. I do not miss the nightly needles. I do not miss the almost daily early-morning drives to the center to be poked and prodded. I have been able to go out to dinner with friends and have a glass of wine like a normal person. The focus of my daily life is no longer what cycle day it is and when is the Center going to call with my next instructions. At the same time, not ending this entire experience with a babe in my arms is frustrating and sad to say the least.

Last week, I was talking with two other moms at our 10 yo boys’ soccer practice. They both have been there through all of this. In fact, one of them was the mom, I’ll call her E, who, at our first Spring soccer game after we lost Jimmy, greeted me with “hey, where’s the baby?”, as the other moms flinched and one of them tried to get to her before she asked anything else and before I had to tell her how we had lost him. They also know about the miscarriage last year, and everything we’ve gone through. The only thing that they, and most of our friends, do not know is how much medical intervention we’ve had in this struggle. E asked how it was going, and I told her we were on our last legs as far as trying with medical intervention was concerned. I added that DH was really against going any further, and she said, “yeah, but what about you?”

My response was that I was going to just put the baby stuff up in the eaves for the time being, get through turning 40, and then deal with getting rid of the stuff in the spring. Her comment back struck a chord: “who says you can’t keep trying on your own? Don’t give up on something that you obviously don’t want to give up on. What harm is there in trying on your own for a few more months?”

Hell of a point, E. I knew I liked her. Just one question: how do I continue trying without DH realizing my plan????? One thing is somewhat decided in my mind - at this point, I'm going to take a journey down the acupunture avenue. Can't really hurt now, can it?

So this isn't over, folks. Just the IUI road is closed. Another intersection I never expected to be at in my life. We'll see where I end up next.

Baby Shower Fallout

So when did infertility and conception issues get to be grounds for one-upsmanship between women, like it’s a freakin’ contest. The baby shower at work I mentioned: I responded to the hostess last week when I saw her at a work function that I wouldn’t be coming because 1) it’s Halloween and I’m leaving early for trick-or-treating, and 2) I’m just not comfortable with baby showers. Her response? “You know, I lost three before I had my son. That’s one more than you lost.”

What the fuck?!? What do I say to that? “Oh, yeah, well, did you ever lose a child seven months into your pregnancy, have to be induced and labor for 36 hours, deliver, hold, and then have to bury your perfectly healthy baby?!?” I don’t understand it. Then she asks if I’m pregnant yet. This is not a close personal, come-over-on-a-Friday-night-for-drinks-and-talk girlfriend; she is a work friend, the kind that you eat lunch with but don’t socialize out of work with. What she does now is that we're still trying and that we're seeing an RE. I respond “we don’t know yet”. Her answer? “Well, have you thought about adoption? You should really adopt.” And then she turned her attention to another person who had just walked up to the table.

I’m chalking her up as a clueless chatterbox. But the fact that someone who’s been through the struggles of infertility can be that abrupt and condescending is tough to get my head around, especially now.